Waiting, doctors, tests and then some more waiting

Worry is a sneaky thing. It starts out small and insignificant. But when you feed it, worry doubles its size every second. Before you know it, you have an anxiety attack. Your mind starts to play tricks on you.

A colleague recently noticed abnormal bleeding a few days after her period had ended. This usually tough woman was reduced to tears when the doctor said it could be cancer or even have her uterus removed. Later the two of us raged about the doctor's speculations without waiting for test results. To add salt to the wound, urine and blood tests results will take 2-3 weeks and potentially 2-6 months wait for appointments with specialists. She's now waiting to see a specialist and if he can't find out what's wrong with her, she's flying back to her home country to get treated. In the meantime, we both agreed that she should NOT worry herself to death. Easier said than done.

Two years ago I was called by the hospital where I donated blood. I've given blood many times but have never been called back for re-testing.

So I went to the hospital, thinking there must be some mistake. My real mistake was leaning over to see what was written next to my name: retrovirus. I felt as though the floor fell away from my feet. How the heck did I get a virus like HIV???

The nurse, oblivious to my reaction, proceeded to extract my blood while chatting away happily. I numbly replied her questions. I do have a pale complexion but at that time I must have been a whiter shade of pale. She then cheerfully added that I can come back in 2 weeks to get my results.

I walked out of the room and noticed that the world looked surreal, as though I was on MTV complete with strong, vibrant colors and weird background music. This was back in the days when MTV used to play music instead of reality shows. As I walked to the van parked on the hospital grounds, a doctor friend happened by and noticed that I was whiter than white. He took me to his office and asked what had frightened me so. I hesitated but looking at his kind face, I knew I could trust him. There was an outpouring of emotions: fear, anger, and sadness. I told him I could not wait 2 weeks for the results. I would have pulled out my hair, bitten my nails to the quick and gone insane. I had to know NOW. He pointed out that I could get faster results by getting re-tested in the city. Good, I now have a distraction, a mission.

After getting permission for an emergency leave, I drove toward Kota Kinabalu in the rain. It was as though the heavens felt my pain. It was difficult to remain optimistic. Will I leave my job? What will my boyfriend and family think? Will I ever have kids of my own? Perhaps I could deal with the virus since monthly cost for the cocktail of drugs is less than RM1000 if I am still employed. But the stigma and discrimination can be the deal-breaker for a weakling like myself.

By nightfall and just 30 minutes outside the city I accidentally ran over a puddle of water. It was deeper than I thought. After running for 300 m, the van sputtered, choked, gasped and finally stopped near traffic lights, of all places. Things couldn't get worse, could they? Let's add a full bladder and no nearby toilets to the equation. Desperate, I called a friend but he was out of town. I contacted another colleague who gave me the phone number for a taxi company. While waiting for the cab to arrive, 4 strange men walked by the van and taunted me a little before moving on. I could barely contain my tears at that point. Finally, the taxi arrived and I asked to be taken to one of the hotels I normally stay at when in town. Tired but unable to sleep, it was one of the longest nights I've endured.

It worked out well that I had no appetite that night and the following morning since it's standard procedure to fast before going for a blood test. The technician who attended to me was very kind and gentle. He sensed my desperation and offered to call me as soon as he got the results...the next day! Gohonzon always had a way of sending angels my way in my darkest hour.

The mechanic who went with me to fix the van found that the problem was water that got into the carburator. Fortunately, the water had dried up and the van worked fine without too much meddling. After he left I forced myself to eat to regain the strength to drive back to Kudat.

Another night of fitful sleep and I awoke, heart and mind racing. Will the technician call as promised? The hours crawled by as I paced the field house and listened to some loud music to drown out my growing anxiety.

The phone rang at 2.30 p.m.

"Miss, results from the lab confirm that you've been tested negative for HIV."

YEEEEHAAAAW!!!